


look at me, look at me, look at me (because i exist, i exist, i exist)

by xLovelyLittleRaindropx



Series: Neurodivergent SHINee Fics [1]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hinted Anxiety, Hinted BPD, I don't know I've had writer's block for 4 months and I am Projecting™, Lowercase, Mental Health Issues, Neurodiversity, Obsessive Behavior, Other, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Separation Anxiety, lowercase intentional
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:16:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLovelyLittleRaindropx/pseuds/xLovelyLittleRaindropx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>kibum couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of being alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. [ one ]

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so this fic is mainly platonic shines and it's also lowercase intentional
> 
> also the title is from "i exist, i exist, i exist" by flatsound

**i.**

* * *

 

ever since kibum started living alone, the days felt strange, like watercolors bleeding into one another. well, the days had always kind of felt like that. it’s silly, really. kibum could go an entire week of a full schedule and everything felt plain, like the same routine, and yet it was all so exhausting. he couldn’t quite grasp the concept of everything happening too little and everything happening too much all at once. it was like drowning in water while wearing an oxygen mask.

 

maybe it was the quiet. the absence of jonghyun’s shrill voice and the sound of taemin and minho’s back and forth playful bickering, followed by jinki butting in with some silly, stupid quip to start an entirely new argument. his apartment felt barren and cramped all at once. again, another concept he couldn’t grasp. the walls felt tight around him but when he walked into his living room he was swamped in how big it all was.

 

he didn’t feel at home. it was like his apartment was a barren ghost town and he was there to haunt it. how does one haunt themselves, feel like they are intruding in their own home? another concept onto the list of unattainability.

 

everything had this grey, melancholy feel to it. even when kibum found himself smiling, he couldn’t go home and recall the reasons why. why was he so happy? why was he so sad? why was he so empty?

 

kibum couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of being alive.

* * *

every now and again, jonghyun would call kibum. he liked to keep tabs on all the boys because worrying ran through his veins. he also loved them. kibum is pretty sure he loves them all as well, but he’s not so great at showing it. or was it knowing it? his mind was starting to blend words and feelings together as well. his whole life was leaking and there seemed to be no way to stop it. he wasn’t even sure if he cared to stop it anymore.

 

jonghyun would always start the conversation first.

 

“Are you doing okay?”

 

“I’m doing okay.”

 

“I haven’t heard from you in a few days. I get worried. I see you read my messages but then you don’t text back, so I-”

 

“I got tired.”

 

it wasn’t really a lie. kibum had been feeling exhausted everyday, it seemed. not that he got much sleep anyways.

 

“You should text me when you’re going to sleep so I can tell you to sleep well.”

 

jonghyun had this strange ability to make you see his face over the phone. like every word had a certain amount of emotion poured into it to feign a face-to-face conversation. in this very moment, kibum could tell the older boy was pouting.

 

he sighed once before answering. why did answering take so much energy to do?

 

“I will. Sorry.”

 

“Kibummie.”

 

“Hm.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

he sighed again. why did answering take so much energy to do? he stared at the white wall of his bedroom. he had it repainted once he moved in and ever since then he hated the strange texture the roller brush had left. he didn’t realize he had zoned out until he heard jonghyun say his name once more. he was so focused on the ugly walls.

 

“Sorry. What did you say?”

 

“I asked if you were okay.”

  
“Hm. You asked me that when I answered the phone..?”

 

“I’m asking again.”

 

kibum glanced at the wall again. he wondered if he should’ve painted it using a different brush.

 

“Um. Yeah. I’m okay. My wall is ugly.”

 

“It’s a wall, Bummie. Let me come over.”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“I’m coming over.”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

 

“I want to see your ugly wall.”

 

“It’s stupid. Don’t bother.”

 

kibum didn’t get a response for a bit and when he tapped his phone screen, the call was over. kibum glanced at the wall again.

 

“Jonghyun is coming over to see you.” he said to it.

 

kibum wasn’t sure when he started talking to things that didn’t respond. he wasn’t sure when he started finding that easier than talking to anyone else.

* * *

“It isn’t that ugly.”

 

kibum sat on the corner of the bed, snug between the wall and his pillows. it was cramped, but he liked it. jonghyun felt miles away when he was shoved away in his current spot and for some reason he liked that.

 

“Touch it.”

 

jonghyun did and hummed softly.

 

“I think it feels cool. Like popcorn.”

 

“I hate it.”

 

jonghyun was quiet and nodded once. kibum squeezed himself into the corner even more. jonghyun made to step toward kibum’s bed before a single hand stopped him from continuing.

 

“I...I like you over there.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Um. I...I like feeling like you’re far away. It feels less cramped. I can’t breathe when you’re close.”

 

there was a beat or two of silence and kibum felt his body heating up. he was so stupid. what was he saying? he sounded like a psychopath. nothing he was saying made the slightest amount of sense. he was about to take it back when jonghyun spoke again.

 

“Okay!”

 

jonghyun smiled and sat on the floor, legs in a criss-cross position.

 

“I can stay here. I don’t mind if you’re far away. As long as you can hear me and I can hear you.”

 

if he could, kibum was sure he would smile back.

* * *

kibum wasn’t sure when jonghyun and he had moved to his kitchen, but he was suddenly hyper aware of the cold linoleum of the floor. jonghyun wanted to order in. kibum wanted cereal. jonghyun commented on the apartment being so clean. kibum commented about his ugly table.

 

they were both on the kitchen floor. they were both eating cereal.

 

“You could’ve gotten real food.”

 

“Am I eating pretend food?”

 

kibum tried to glare but his face still felt like it was looking the same.

 

“You don’t have to eat the cereal.”

 

“I want to eat the cereal.”

 

kibum looked at his own bowl and stared at the artificial color bleeding off the marshmallows. he wondered why they bothered to color them if it would just end up coming off in the milk.

 

“Why bother coloring them when it comes off in the milk?”

 

jonghyun looked up at him with a small tilt of his head. he looked like a puppy and kibum thought that was weird because jonghyun wasn't a puppy.

 

“Huh?”

 

“The marshmallows. In the cereal. When they go into the milk, the color comes off. What's the point in giving them color if it will just come off in the milk? It's not like they add to flavor, so what is the point?”

 

“It represents the rainbow, doesn't it? Besides, if you put white marshmallows in there, no one would buy it. If it was like that, then everyone would just buy plain sugar cereal and then add in their own marshmallows.”

 

kibum was quiet as he mulled over the answer in his mind. jonghyun leaned forward and scooped some of kibum’s marshmallows out, placing them in his own bowl.

 

“If the marshmallows bother you, I can take them.”

 

“They don’t. I just don’t see the point in them being colored.

 

jonghyun took more of kibum’s marshmallows.

 

he kept doing it until all of kibum’s marshmallows were in his bowl. kibum was glad.

 

the marshmallows bothered him.

* * *

“Can I wash your hair?”

 

“Is my hair dirty?”

 

kibum had been slightly paranoid about his hygiene lately. he could barely find the energy to get out of bed, much less stay clean. the weird thing is that in that paranoia he overcompensated and showered excessively.

 

he still felt dirty even after being in the shower for two hours. not in a weird “under the skin” dirty, but in a weird “i still don’t feel clean” dirty. when he goes outside, he can sometimes feel dirt physically clinging to him.

 

he still feels it for weeks until he gets distracted by ugly walls and colored marshmallows.

 

“No. Your hair isn’t dirty. I just want to wash it. It looks soft.”

 

kibum itched his scalp. his hair still felt dirty. he wasn’t sure how jonghyun didn’t see it.

* * *

kibum liked bubble baths more than anything in the world. if he could be, they would be the only thing that made him happy. but this feeling was a close second.

 

“I like your hair, Bummie.”

 

“I’m sorry your clothes are wet.”

 

it was the seventh time within the bathtime that kibum had apologized. kibum had wanted jonghyun close and in the bath with him, but he also didn’t want to see the skin that was hidden by his clothes. jonghyun didn’t mind getting his clothes wet and climbed right in.

 

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s just water.”

 

“You’re soaked.”

 

“Hm. It’s okay.”

 

kibum still wanted to feel bad, but he was starting to become more focused on jonghyun’s hands in his hair. he loved having his hair played with and it helped that he was also getting a slightly more clean feeling. kibum closed his eyes tight.

 

earlier, he had wanted jonghyun to be far away from him. yet, now as jonghyun’s body was pressed to his back, he still felt like he was too far.

 

kibum didn’t want to be alone in the bath and jonghyun felt too far.

 

he felt the warm water wash over his face as jonghyun rinsed off the shampoo.

“Your hair is so pretty. I like your hair, Bummie.”

 

kibum didn’t respond. he sat in the bathtub with jonghyun’s clothed arms around him until the water went cold.

 

the bubbles were gone and now it was just a bath. kibum couldn’t tell if his face was still wet or if he was crying.

* * *

kibum was back in the crevice between wall and bed once more and jonghyun was beside him, clothes swapped out for a pair of kibum’s own pajamas.

 

“Do you want me to stay?”

 

kibum clutched onto a pillow, fingers able to feel the cotton shifting underneath the fabric. he stayed quiet and looked at his wall. it really was an ugly wall.

 

“Do you want me to go?”

 

kibum stared at the white paint and began to see slight swirls of pink and blue and green and yellow. the marshmallows lost their color in the milk anyways, so why color them?

 

“Kibum?”

 

kibum blinked. the colors went away. there was nothing but an ugly wall now.

 

kibum didn’t want jonghyun to go. kibum didn’t want jonghyun to stay.

 

“Sorry. What did you say?”

 

“Do you want me to go home or stay?”

 

“I don’t know.”

* * *

kibum woke up at two in the morning with the moonlight on his face and jonghyun’s arms around his torso. he glanced over at the older boy, sleeping soundly. he looked like a baby and kibum thought that was weird because jonghyun wasn’t a baby.

 

the ugly wall looked different in the dark.

 

kibum could still taste the marshmallows in his mouth.

 

jonghyun smelled like bubble bath.

 

kibum didn’t know when he began to cry softly. he also didn’t know when he began to fall back asleep.

* * *

when kibum woke up for the second time, the sunlight was streaming in. the bed was rumpled and cold. jonghyun had folded the clothes kibum had lent him and placed them on his dresser. the wet ones were picked up off the ground.

 

kibum looked back at the ugly wall before flipping back over, back facing it.

 

he buried his face into the bed.

 

it smelled like bubble bath and kibum felt like jonghyun was too far away.

 

kibum didn’t know when he began to cry softly. he also didn’t know when he began to fall back asleep.


	2. [ two ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look i wrote more
> 
> i've been very sad and shit lately so....it's nice to put my feelings down in words

**ii.**

* * *

 

kibum had begun to develop a strange sense of morning sickness. it seems as if every morning his stomach would twist and clutch, as if punishing him for some unknown act he had committed. the bad part of it was waking up and having the godawful taste of stomach acid in the back of his throat. the worst part of it was never getting rid of the feeling. kibum could gag for hours and still feel like something was begging to be ejected out of him.

 

kibum doesn’t know what his body is trying to purge from his system. he’s pretty sure his body doesn’t know what it’s trying to evict either.

 

when kibum has a practice scheduled with the others, he lies about having had a good night's sleep and breakfast, two things kibum no longer can do. he's up all night trying to force down stomach acid and busy all morning trying to force it back up.

 

he figures that the boys don’t need to know the truth. he didn’t want them to worry about him. they all had their own problems to focus on.

 

dance practice is a completely new form of tiring now that his stomach is always churning. moving around as rapidly as they do makes him feel like he’s on a roller coaster. the walls kind of blur into one another, but that’s not really as connected to the nausea as it is to his lack of sleep. he practically collapses onto the floor in exhaustion when their choreographer calls for break.

 

“Tired?”

 

jinki is almost sarcastic in his tone, but more playful than anything else. he was sat down with his back pressed to the wall of mirrors. kibum could feel his legs being lifted into jinki’s lap and watched as jinki ran a hand through his own sweaty hair before deciding to close his eyes.

 

their leader had this strange comfortable feel to him, like an old and worn sweater. all of them were so different and jinki knew that. he had methods of caring for each of them ingrained into his mind like a computer database. he was a strange combination of being gentle, tough, and understanding.

 

in short, jinki seemed to embody the essence of being a family, one that could reach the boys no matter where they were.

 

“Kibum, have you been getting sleep?”

 

kibum sighed. he could feel a headache slowly beginning to throb behind his forehead and the lights in the practice room were disgustingly fluorescent. jinki brushed two of his fingers along the spot where kibum would have visible dark circles if he hadn’t been wearing makeup to hide them. he mulled over jinki’s question and was slightly scared of how his mind wanted to respond.

 

_“If you think I look like shit, then just say it.”_

 

that isn’t what jinki meant. he’s sure of it, but his brain had this new, unfounded malice floating around and infecting all his thoughts. he wasn’t sure when he began to feel so angry, but it was starting to weigh on him.

 

“Yeah, I've been getting sleep.”

 

“Not a lot?”

 

_“What are you, my mother? It’s really none of your business. Fuck off.”_

 

“Hm. Some.”

 

though kibum had his eyes closed, he could guess that jinki did nothing but nod in response. he felt the older boy begin to massage his ankles and he was grateful because god, did they hurt. but he was also upset.

 

why did jinki have to ask so many questions? it really wasn’t any of his business. why was he so nosy? it pissed kibum off and he didn’t want jinki to touch him while he was angry. kibum yanked his legs into a folded position and out of jinki’s lap.

 

jinki let out a small noise of surprise but let him do it anyways.

* * *

jonghyun had been the one to suggest eating dinner together after practice. if you could even call it dinner, that is. most people, presumably, don’t have dinner at one in the morning. but, schedules were schedules and dance practice was dance practice, so that’s what they were doing.

 

kibum felt a bit strange eating at such an hour. something about the break in the social normative schedule got a bit under his skin, but he could ignore it if he truly wanted, which he did.

 

they were all sitting on the floor of the practice room, takeout scattered along the floor and in the middle of their makeshift half-circle. kibum could hear the boys chattering and laughing but it was almost as if he was listening to static in between radio stations. there was one boy on either side of his knees and yet he still felt far away, like he was millions of leagues under the sea while the rest were on the shore.

 

this went on for a few minutes and kibum is almost positive that he must’ve talked or laughed or hummed in response at some point or another.

* * *

“Have you guys noticed anything different about Kibum lately?”

 

jonghyun could feel all eyes on him, some confused and others intrigued. kibum had left a little earlier than the other boys, muttering something about a longer commute than the rest, and even though jonghyun felt a bit bad talking about kibum when he wasn’t around, he was worried.

 

“I haven’t. Have you?”

 

it was minho who was asking, wiping the sweat from his brow with his arm. he looked around at the other four boys and froze his gaze on jinki, who seemed deep in thought.

 

“Actually, and this may not mean anything but, he seemed somewhat upset earlier. I don’t know if he’s been getting a lot of sleep so I just figured that he was a bit grumpy.”

 

“I’m worried for him…”

 

“When are you not?”

 

minho hit taemin’s arm gently in response. taemin was a naturally mischievous and sarcastic person, but he also couldn’t read a room and see it was the wrong time to be himself. minho whispered to taemin, presumably telling him to stop being rude.

 

“I mean,” taemin began. “You always worry about all of us. It’s sweet of you.”

 

“Have you talked to him?”

 

jonghyun nodded slightly, answering jinki’s question.

 

“Hm...Yeah. I went over to his place recently and stayed overnight. Bummie’s place looks so cold and empty. It’s as if no one inhabits it…I think he likes being alone, but not being lonely. I think...I think Kibum really needs us to help him out. Talk to him, at the very least...”

 

the boys looked at jonghyun, confused, before looking to each other with the same expression. kibum was practically their brother and to hear how he was doing hit them full force. now, they all shared the same thought.

  
was kibum doing okay?


	3. [ three ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a slight tw for lots of mention of death but nothing graphic and junk

**iii.**

* * *

 

perhaps thinking about death too much is an unhealthy thing. kibum liked to think that everyone, at some point or another, thinks about their demise and what will become of them when it arrives. while that may be true, (kibum is almost positive it is) there must be a certain limit that one person cannot exceed without seeming somewhat unwell.

 

it isn’t like kibum is afraid of death. no, that fear left him after his grandparents took their own leave from the planet. it also wasn’t a suicidal need to die, or at least, he didn’t think it was. it was just that death seemed to plague his mind, as if he was simply just waiting for it to happen to him.

 

this, by all means, is not how he wished to live, but he also didn’t have the energy to change.

 

the thing that made things so much harder for him was that he couldn’t really talk to anyone about this strange, morbid obsession without getting unwanted attention brought to his mental health. if he told any of the boys, they would worry and probably tell the managers. kibum would become yet another idol who was admitted to a mental hospital and everyone would know.

 

don’t even get him started on why he couldn’t tell anyone in his family.

 

he supposed that maybe some things are just made to be secrets.

* * *

jonghyun had texted kibum late one night, albeit a normal time for jonghyun to be messaging him with his frequent insomnia.

 

“Kibum-ah,” the message said. “I need to buy a new desk for my room. won’t you help?” the message was quickly followed by an emoticon of neo begging. It was hard for kibum to say no to jonghyun. even harder now that he knew if he denied him this time it would raise alarm.

 

so, long story short, kibum was strolling through the aisles of a furniture store alongside jonghyun and taemin, who had decided to come along last minute. kibum always felt a bit strange around jonghyun and taemin. he knew they were close friends, but he couldn’t help but have a small inclination that the two were slightly more than that, or at the very least, wanted to be.

 

“That one looks nice.” taemin commented, pointing at one of the desks. kibum thought it was ugly, but he didn’t say anything.

 

“The color won’t match my other furniture.” jonghyun whined. “That’s too light. Everything else is dark in my room.”

 

“You don’t _have_ to get it in _that color_ , hyung.” taemin said back, but you could tell he didn’t want to fight about, since he began to sip at the coffee he had been holding.

 

“Kibummie, what do you think?” jonghyun asked, still looking at the ugly desk taemin had suggested. kibum looked at it for a while, as if he was actually thinking of how to answer.

 

“It’s whatever you want to get.” he answered, trying to seem as neutral as possible. jonghyun looked at kibum for a moment, almost dissatisfied and looked back at the desk.

 

“I think I can find a prettier one.” jonghyun said, making his way down the aisle and taemin following.

 

kibum wasn’t sure if jonghyun had said that because he meant it or if he simply had gained the special power of reading kibum’s mind.

* * *

kibum had headed back to jonghyun’s home after they had purchased a desk, and he was happy that jonghyun had just so happened to be home alone. not that he didn’t love jonghyun’s family, but they all had such big hearts, and kibum found it just a bit exhausting to play happy for them all.

taemin had come home with them as well, claiming to be a helping hand in moving the desk inside and setting it up. however, knowing taemin, he would probably sit perched on jonghyun’s bed and scrutinize their efforts at putting the desk together.

 

as taemin and jonghyun tried to shuffle the box containing the desk upstairs, kibum couldn’t help but be distracted by a certain, present member of jonghyun’s family. though he hadn’t been anything close to happy lately, there was always something that did manage to make him smile.

 

dogs.

 

kibum loved dogs more than life itself and he’s pretty sure that his two dogs are the only things in world keeping him sane. (well, as sane as possible.) something about them made him happier than anything else. maybe it was the fact that dogs were unconditionally loving, and always overexcited. yes, it’s true, the rambunctious bunch did have a tendency to get a bit under his skin, but he loved them just the same.

 

“Kibum, are you coming?” jonghyun called out.

 

kibum jumped slightly at the sudden question. he looked at the stairs, surprised to find them empty. he must have been so deep in thought that he hadn’t even noticed that jonghyun and taemin had made their way up.

 

“Yes…” kibum replied, so quiet it was practically a whisper.

 

“Are you okay?” jonghyun asked, coming around the corner.

 

kibum jumped again at the sudden closeness of the voice. jonghyun must’ve headed downstairs to check on him.

 

“Yes, I...It’s just Roo. She...can’t get up the stairs.” kibum commented, pointing at the struggling dachshund.

 

“Oh.” jonghyun responded, coming down the stairs and picking up the little thing. “Hm...It’s because she’s too fat. The vet said she should try to lose weight but my mom feeds her a lot.”  

 

“Is it bad for her?” kibum asked, a bit worried. “I mean, will Roo have health issues if she doesn’t?”

 

“I don’t think so.” jonghyun said, walking back upstairs, kibum in tow. “It won’t kill her faster, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

 

kibum wasn’t sure if jonghyun had said that because he meant it or if he simply had gained the special power of reading kibum’s mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter seems kinda sloppy  
> i'm a lil miffed that this is the only chapter that isn't atleast 1000 words


	4. [ four ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO PLEASE READ THIS BEGINNING NOTE FIRST????
> 
> this chapter contains TONS of mentions of sex, but nothing explicit. 
> 
> YES this isn't aimed to be a shipping fic but i often struggle with hypersexuality ("preoccupation of sexual fantasy, often in combination with obsessive pursuit of casual or non-intimate sex etc.") from both my sexual abuse and bpd i wanted to write it in. 
> 
> no, there is no mention of sexual abuse in this because i didn't want that written in but it has been implied that kibum has bpd like behavior so that's what is it linked to
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try not to oversexualize kibum's thoughts ("dirty key ;))))" "how kinky!!!11!") because they aren't meant to be "sexy" sexual but more of "i don't mean to find this sexual and i'm ashamed" sexual

**iv.**

* * *

kibum was not a naturally sexual being. sex was a very primal, human aspect of him and he didn’t enjoy tossing it around like nothing. yes, kibum did have sex appeal and sometimes did show off the sexy part of him, but acting sexy and being sexual are two very different things.

 

kibum only had sex three times, twice with the same person.

 

kibum liked boys, but sometimes he also liked girls. kibum liked nice people with pretty clothes and nice faces. gender didn’t matter all that much to him. he hadn’t dated much but there were times when there were friends he felt closer to, tiptoeing on the thin line between lover and friend.

 

kibum only had sex three times, twice with the same person. 

 

kibum had something of a boyfriend once. a pretty model with pretty clothes and a nice face. he was sweet, kind, and loved to shop with him. they hadn’t lasted all too long. nothing bad, really. kibum just felt a bit bored, like he was dating himself, and kibum wasn’t all that interesting.

 

key only had sex three times, they had sex twice.

* * *

if asked to rank all the boys in terms of attractiveness, kibum wouldn’t really know where to start. all of the boys were beautiful, in their own ways.

 

taemin was naturally pretty. he had smooth skin and a youthful face. he possessed a strange mix of sex appeal and natural cuteness. he had a strange, awkward personality, but it seemed to work on him. he was naturally sarcastic and had a daring air to him that was fun to be shrouded in. he had a caring heart and a playful attitude to give to the world.

 

jonghyun was the human equivalent of cotton candy. soft, sweet, pretty, and easy to fall apart. jonghyun had one of the biggest hearts kibum had ever seen. he was a crybaby, but only because he had so much empathy and love for all those around him. he was courageous and outspoken, unafraid to hide who he truly was. jonghyun took on a natural mother role for the rest of the boys, making sure they were all safe and happy.

 

minho was sweet and rambunctious, like the brother kibum never had. he was a pest, but a good one. he was easy to entertain and laughed more than anyone kibum had ever known. he was caring. he never seemed to not be happy and, as it was such a rarity to kibum himself, he was both in awe and jealous of his neverending smiles. 

 

jinki was warm and comforting. he felt like home. he was an amazing leader and an even better friend. he knew all the different ways the boys needed support and he often put his own needs after theirs. he had an old spirit with a young heart, wanting to take life and all it’s happiness and strife in with open arms.

 

sometimes kibum’s heart and chest would hurt when he thought about how much love he had for all his bandmates. they were beautiful people, amazing friends, and, in short, his family. kibum felt selfish, having all their love and giving back what felt like nothing in return. it wasn’t on purpose; he just simply didn’t have the energy to give anything to them. 

 

sometimes kibum would just lie in bed and cry, the bad kind of crying. the kind where your chest heaves and you have to gasp for air. the kind where saliva builds up in your mouth and your eyes turn red and puffy. the kind when you clutch onto your pillows in hopes of grounding yourself back to reality, away from the hurt. 

 

during these times, kibum always finds himself wanting to call any of the boys, wanting to cry into the speaker of the phone, wanting to be comforted. he wishes they were still living together. kibum could never cry in peace in the dorms, and he always hated that, but now he realizes what a blessing it was to have someone to cry with. he wishes he had the courage to call one of them. he wishes he could just press the call button and sob his eyes out while the other whispers words of comfort from the other line.

 

but, kibum never does, and eventually he catches his breath, swallows down his saliva, and lets go of his pillow. 

* * *

kibum was not a naturally sexual being.

 

kibum only had sex three times, twice with the same person.

 

kibum liked nice people with pretty clothes and nice faces. he hadn’t dated much but there were times when there were friends he felt closer to, tiptoeing on the thin line between lover and friend.

 

sometimes kibum would think about the boys in ways that friends normally shouldn’t. yes, kibum thinks that all the boys are aesthetically pleasing, but anyone can say that about their friends. 

 

kibum is a bit ashamed that sometimes he pictures jonghyun or taemin in between his legs, even if he doesn’t mean to. on the rare occasions that kibum has slightly sexual dreams, he feels a bit dirty when he wakes up and realizes that the man in the dream was minho or jinki. kibum feels a little embarrassed his mind goes to gross places when one of the boys makes a noise while stretching or goes shirtless in the middle of practice.

 

kibum thinks that maybe he shouldn’t be making the boys into sexual objects for him to ogle at, but kibum doesn’t really know how to stop. 

 

kibum was not a naturally sexual being, but that does not stop him from having gross thoughts about even himself. he often thinks of being with multiple people all at once, like all he is there for is to be used. it isn’t a kinky thing, or at least, he doesn’t think so. kibum just thinks that, from what he remembers, he is good at sex and it’s fun to do something you’re good at. 

 

sometimes, because of these thoughts, kibum makes irrational decisions to do sexual things with people he doesn’t particularly want to. sometimes he regrets doing them, but not always.

 

kibum doesn’t regret having sex for the third time, but he doesn’t like to think about it. 

 

how do you stop beating yourself up for saying a friend’s name during sex with someone else? it’s not like he meant to. he was just thinking about it. he just kept thinking about it. he kept thinking about his face and his body and his name, his name, his name. 

 

how do you stop beating yourself up for saying a friend’s name during sex with someone else?

  
kibum only had sex three times, and even though the third person was someone he would never see again, he couldn’t help but feel like he had sex with jonghyun as he accidently let his name slip off his tongue. 


	5. [ five ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never written new chapters for fics this fast in my entire life lmao

**v.**

* * *

sometimes kibum forgets that he’s a real person that exists at every second that passes. it sounds strange at first, but it wasn't too hard to understand.

 

sometimes kibum felt detached from himself, like he's floating outside of his body or watching a movie of himself. sometimes he just forgets where he is, what he's doing, or what he's saying. he will go places and do things, but often times, he isn't sure how he got there or what he did there. he felt like he wasn't entirely present at certain moments. sometimes it took him a while to feel okay and others it didn't. 

 

although kibum doesn't like to admit it, he doesn't know what's wrong with him, not on his own. kibum thinks he wants to feel better, but he isn't sure how.

 

he isn't sure if he even can get better. 

* * *

when kibum catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar.

 

he isn’t entirely sure where his mother or grandmother were when it happened. all he remembers is that the flower pot was a bit high up compared to his small stature. it had pretty red and pink flowers in it and kibum had only wanted to see the pretty flowers up close. he didn’t know that the pot would fall. 

 

but, it did, and hit him right on his forehead and right by his eye. it hurt so much and kibum remembers practically screaming out crying. he remembers that the world looked red for a while, but it wasn’t until he was a bit older that he realized that it was blood dripping towards his eye. his grandmother had rushed out to him and kibum remembers being in the emergency room while his mother cried her eyes out from worry. 

 

it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been; that’s what the doctor had said. any closer to his eye and kibum could’ve been blinded, but that wasn’t the case. he remembers that his mother hadn’t stopped crying, even after hearing that kibum would be fine. he supposes that she must have blamed herself, which he thought was a bit silly because it’s not like she had pulled the flower pot down. kibum had. his grandmother soothed her daughter, relieved that kibum would be alright.

 

he doesn’t remember much after that, except for having to wear an itchy band of gauze and getting ice cream. what he does remember was his mother never leaving his side for the next few weeks. kibum wasn’t too upset by this because he loved his mom and she never really seemed to be around enough. 

 

kibum is pretty sure that those few weeks were the first time he had ever felt what it was like to have someone truly be concerned for his wellbeing.

 

when kibum catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar. 

 

when he sees it, he remembers pretty flowers, an itchy gauze, ice cream, and the feeling of his mother’s arms around him as she whispered words of love.

* * *

sometimes kibum felt detached from himself, like he's floating outside of his body or watching a movie of himself. sometimes he just forgets where he is, what he's doing, or what he's saying. he will go places and do things, but often times, he isn't sure how he got there or what he did there.

 

kibum thinks that he must be having one of those days because all he remembers was waking up and then suddenly he’s out at a park with all of the boys. it’s night time now and kibum is a bit confused because he isn’t sure where the day went. he could have sworn that it had been morning a few moments ago, but the moon was far too high in the sky to be early evening. 

 

he knows that the five of them can only ever got out comfortably when it’s dark and kibum actually likes the soft crickets chirping and the way the streetlamps light up the sidewalk. taemin and jonghyun are walking a bit ahead of him, hands intertwined and kibum feels a bit jealous. not of taemin and not of jonghyun, but of both of them, because kibum likes to hold hands and he wishes he was doing that, too. he isn’t sure if it’s a romantic gesture between the two or if it’s just them simply being themselves. jinki is walking ahead of them all and kibum has a feeling that he might be leading them all somewhere but he isn’t sure. minho is beside kibum and it’s a bit annoying because he’s casting a tall shadow over him.

 

when they finally stop walking, kibum almost doesn’t notice until he runs into the back of jonghyun, accidently forcing him forward a bit due to the general rules of physics. jonghyun lets out a sound of surprise and tells him to be more careful, but not for his sake, but for kibum’s. they seemed to have stopped at a child’s playground and kibum can only assume that this is where they had intended to go. 

 

they all seem to go in different directions, but kibum is the only one to go sit down on a bench. the streetlight is right above him and makes him feel warm. he looks to his side at the time-worn water fountain beside him, seeing himself in the silver surface.

 

when kibum catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar. when he sees it, he remembers what it was like to have someone truly be concerned for his wellbeing.

 

“Kibummie! Come swing with us!” jonghyun called out. 

 

kibum looked away from the silver reflection and glanced over to where jonghyun was sitting on the swingset placed in a large sandbox, minho pushing him back and forth with a face mixed with fondness and annoyance. taemin and jinki are having a contest to see who can go the highest.

 

he gets up slowly, almost not wanting to move due to his lack of energy. he walks into the sandbox, feet sinking slightly in the new surface. he is about to make his way to the empty swing when his foot hits the hard plastic surface of a forgotten toy truck. 

 

it’s a small thing really, but it hits kibum like a rock to the chest. he can’t help but look at this and think of the young child who brought it to the playground in the first place. 

 

small things matter when you’re small. when you’re small, small things are big things. he can imagine this child, tired from a day of play, only thinking of food, a bath, a nap. anything other than the fact that they left behind their toy. he imagines the child coming home and realizing what’s missing. he imagines the child begging their parent to rush back to retrieve it, but it’s late and their parent assures them it will be there in the morning. but, the child can’t sleep. it’s something that was happiness for the child and now it’s lost, possibly never to be seen again.

 

kibum knows what it’s like to lose that happiness. never to be seen again. kibum doesn’t think he’ll be happy again. he can’t keep lying. he isn’t okay. he’s sad, angry, empty. he isn’t okay. he can’t keep lying.

 

“Kibum.”

 

“Hyung, are you okay?”

 

“Bummie. Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

 

“Kibum-ah, tell us what’s wrong.”

 

kibum hadn’t realized he started crying, and doesn’t even notice it’s the bad kind of crying. the kind where your chest heaves and you have to gasp for air. the kind where saliva builds up in your mouth and your eyes turn red and puffy. the kind when you clutch onto your chest in hopes of grounding yourself back to reality, away from the hurt. 

 

“Kibum.” although he can’t hear very well through his loud gasps, he can tell it’s jonghyun who is asking. “Are you okay?”

 

although he can’t talk very well through the lump in his throat, he can tell he’s answering.

  
“No.”


	6. [ six ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this might be my longest chapter? coincidently i think it's also my favorite chapter
> 
> i'm worried it might be a bit sloppy but i did have a Not So Great day so it inspired me to write

**vi.**

* * *

the boys, aside from jinki and minho, didn't stay at the dorms that often anymore. when they did, it was mostly when their work and practice schedules reached a peak of high demand. being at the dorms was comfortable, though. it was like coming home for holidays after years of living alone.

 

their old rooms still remained, furniture covered under a few layers of dust and a few, old clothes still in dresser drawers. it was strange how the place felt like people we’re missing, like the rooms were abandoned, while also showing evidence of recent life. minho had tried to keep up with the empty room, frustrated by any sense of messs, but eventually it had become tedious. 

 

jonghyun didn’t mind sleeping there, but he hated sleeping alone. something about the bare furniture and sudden scenery change that made it even worse on his insomnia. the worst part of it all was that jonghyun never felt more exhausted than he did on the days he had to stay in dorm, but he often sat up in bed waiting for his insomnia to cease.

 

most times he found himself staying with taemin or kibum during the nights at the dorm. he would lie awake as the other boy slept soundly beside him. he actually found the noises of their breath a bit calming, as well as the warmth radiating off the other’s body. 

 

on the rare occasion, all of the boys would sleep in the same bed, cuddled close together and piled over one another in a giant puddle of bodies. this was jonghyun’s favorite thing. being surrounded by every boy’s warmth and the masculine scent of their skin wasn’t something he got often, so it was always a nice feeling. even though it didn’t make him fall asleep faster, he still enjoyed lying beside them all, limbs and bedsheets tangled together as he stared up at the ceiling.

what he was currently doing was a strange form of that. he was lying beside all the boys, albeit not the only one awake like usual. in fact, they were all awake, except for kibum. in the midst of crying his eyes out, kibum had begged the others to not leave him; he claimed he couldn't be alone again, not tonight. 

it was hardly a request they could deny. 

so, they all traveled back to the dorm, gathering together on jinki’s bed. kibum was practically out like a light as soon as his skin touched the softened fabric of the sheets. jonghyun understood that; crying was one of the most exhausting activities to ever exist and he knew that more than anyone else. the way kibum had cried and then fallen asleep, however, lead jonghyun to believe that kibum hadn’t done either of those things in a very long time. 

so, jonghyun was lying there in jinki’s bed, surrounded by every boy’s warmth and the masculine scent of their skin, stroking the sleeping boy’s hair as he breathed softly, letting out quiet, sleepy noises. 

“What are we going to do about Kibum? What are we going to do to help Bummie?” jonghyun asked quietly, not tearing his eyes away from the boy’s sleeping form. 

minho hummed in response. jinki coughed. taemin had his eyes shut, but jonghyun could tell he wasn’t asleep quite yet.

“What are we going to do to help Bummie?” jonghyun repeated, tone exactly the same as it was before.

“Well,” minho started.

“What could we possibly do?” taemin finished. his eyes were still closed.

“I don’t think we’re equipped to help him. We don’t really even know what’s wrong with him.” jinki added.

“So, we do nothing?”

 

“No.” all of them answered this time. 

“Then what?” jonghyun asked, kibum shifting in his sleep and almost pulling his own hair as jonghyun’s hand ran through it.

minho hummed. jinki coughed. taemin had his eyes shut, but jonghyun could tell he wasn’t asleep quite yet.

* * *

sometimes kibum’s dreams were more like memories. 

he isn’t sure why that is, but dreams are normally a very unconscious, uncontrollable aspect of life, so he doesn’t spend most of his time dwelling on it. even though his dreams are like memories, they are always a bit different. sometimes the situations are the same, but the outcome is different. other times he watches things like they’re movies flickering in his mind. sometimes he’s reliving everything, every aching feeling from the memory.

sometimes kibum’s dreams were more like memories. kibum didn’t dream often; well, he did, but he doesn’t call them dreams, so much as they are nightmares. when memories are played again and again, it feels like a strange self-inflicted torture. he sees things he thought washed away down the sink long ago; he watches places and people who he probably wouldn’t recognize anymore.

kibum dreams about the third time he had sex a lot. 

even though his dreams are like memories, they are always a bit different. sometimes the situations are the same, but the outcome is different. other times he watches things like they’re movies flickering in his mind. sometimes he’s reliving everything, every aching feeling from the memory.

  
when he dreams about having sex for the third time, sometimes he’s still in his body. it’s hollow and he can feel a faint sensation of pleasure, but it doesn’t feel good. he feels the consonants and vowels of his friend’s name rolling out of his mouth in a soft moan. he sees the person’s face, the one who is actually  physically with him. it’s this strange heartbroken look that kibum had never seen before in his life and it’s image haunts him at night. 

 

when he dreams about having sex for the third time, sometimes he watches their bodies colliding, like a filthy movie he can’t look away from. he feels a pit of disgust in his stomach as he watches his mouth open and moan out his dear friend’s name.  _ “Disgusting,” _ he says in his mind.  _ “Moaning another person’s name during sex? Disgusting.” _

sometimes kibum’s dreams were more like memories, most of them bad. 

naturally, kibum dreams about the third time he had sex a lot. 

* * *

 

kibum wakes up at around what he could only assume to be afternoon. the boys came back to the dorms late, maybe around two in the morning. his eyes are puffy and swollen, from crying or excessive sleep, he isn’t sure. 

all the boys were fast asleep. 

minho was lying to the right of him with jinki’s head resting on his chest in an odd position, like he had only ended up there by moving around in his sleep. taemin was lying completely opposite of the boys, with his head at the foot of the bed. his hair was fanned out across his cheeks and forehead. he had kicked off all the blankets around him. jonghyun was to the left of kibum, breathing out quick and soft breaths of sleep. he had his hand stretched above to the pillow, almost touching kibum’s head at the limping angle it was resting in. he was wrapped up in the covers, like a tiny cocoon. 

kibum sat up slowly, trying not to rustle too much and wake the others. he listened to the sound of them breathing in tandem while staring at the wall. it wasn’t ugly like the one back in his apartment. 

kibum looked back at the crowded bed before laying back down.

he buried his face into the bed.

 

it smelled like home and kibum felt like he was finally happy for the first time in a long time. 

he wasn’t sure how long it would last, but god, it felt good.

  
kibum didn’t know when he began to cry softly. he also didn’t know when he began to fall back asleep.   



	7. [ not a chapter ]

hello yes this isn't an update by any means. i

t's just a general overview of like,,, my life and stuff? it won't be long & you don't have to read this by any means.

i know it's been a small while since i updated with an actual chapter and i wanted to like apologize for that??

i've been dealing with a lot of emotional stuff and normally that drives me to write, especially this story, but it's been more numb "i'm going to repress my emotions" type emotional so it's been....really hard to actually write things. i'm not sure when i'll be able to write again because i'm in a really weird place right now with my feelings.

but i mean

that's all i have to say on my life update.

(also yesterday was my birthday and i am officially an adult rip me)


	8. [ seven ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yes i'm back with the WORST chapter 
> 
> i really do hate this one i Apologize greatly

 

**vii.**

* * *

 

after kibum’s breakdown in the park, the boys had made the unanimous decision to stay at the dorm for the rest of the week. they had all taken a trip to kibum’s dull and barren apartment to gather a few of his things, including his dogs. it was a bit strange to have them all at his place, even for the smallest moment, and kibum could tell that all but himself and jonghyun were a bit off-put by how empty it seemed.

 

but, no one said anything and the ride back to the dorm was filled with chatter and the sound of the radio playing softly. 

 

the dorm felt crowded with all them present, but not in a bad way. after spending months in an empty apartment, filled only with the occasional sounds of comme des barking or garçons’ biting at his chew toy, the overlapping laughs and words of the boys was like heaven on earth. 

 

kibum would sometimes feel overflowed; as if the lack of happiness he had for so long couldn’t handle the sudden amount being poured inside of him. it made his head spin, but it a good way. sometimes he would blink slowly, afraid that when he opened them it would all be a dream, but it never was.

 

it seemed to be a strange form of self-harm and a reward at the same time.

 

kibum couldn’t quite grasp that concept.

* * *

 

jonghyun had taken it upon himself to sleep beside kibum the whole time they resided at the dorm. it's not like kibum was against it; if anything, it made him feel safer and happier. most nights he would fall asleep much sooner than jonghyun would, as expected. other times he liked to stay up and listen to jonghyun hum or sing softly. sometimes he’d even fall asleep faster while listening. other nights he would just stay up and talk to him, head on jonghyun’s chest while the older boy ran his fingers through kibum’s hair.

 

kibum is pretty sure that those are the nights he loves the most and so he tries to have those kind of nights as often as possible. 

 

the small bedside lamp was on and kibum’s head was moving slightly as jonghyun’s chest rose and fell from the action of breathing when jonghyun finally asked the question that had plagued him for so long.

 

“Bummie?” jonghyun asked quietly. “Are you doing okay?”

 

kibum inhaled and he felt as if his blood had frozen and then thawed in the timespan of a millisecond. he swallowed and exhaled, preparing to answer even though his tongue felt bolted to the bottom of his mouth. 

 

“I’m…” kibum coughed softly, noticing how weak his voice sounded. “I’m doing okay.”

 

“It’s okay if you aren’t.” jonghyun said gently, reaching a hand down to kibum’s, linking their pinkies together. “Don’t feel as though you have to tell me, but please don’t keep hurting all alone.”

 

kibum swallowed harshly around the lump in his throat and blinked quickly to try and force out the tears forming in his eyes, tightening his pinkie finger around jonghyun’s.

 

“It’s okay, Bummie...It’s okay.” jonghyun said quietly, voice slightly broken as he tried to fight tears of his own. “You can cry if you need to. Don’t try to fight it.” 

 

with those words alone, it was as if something snapped inside of kibum; as if a dam had broken. he hiccupped as he began to cry openly, burying his head further into jonghyun’s chest. jonghyun brought his other hand up around to kibum’s back to rub it comfortingly. 

 

“It’s okay, Bummie...It’s okay.” jonghyun repeated. 

 

“Jonghyun…” kibum whimpered, breaths coming in heaves with his sobs. 

 

“Shh...Just breathe.” jonghyun whispered.

 

“Jonghyun.” kibum repeated. “It hurts. It hurts so much…”

 

“What hurts?”

 

kibum sobbed, breath shuddering as he exhaled, bringing the hand that was linked with jonghyun’s to his own chest. “My heart.” kibum answered. “Everything. Everything hurts. It’s...crushing me; the pain and sadness is crushing me and I can’t stand it.”

 

“Bummie.” jonghyun whispered, finally losing his fight with his own tenderhearted ways as tears of his own began to fall.

 

“I just want...to let it all go.” kibum whispered. “I don’t know how to. I just want to let it all go.”

 

“I want to help you. The others want to help you, too.” jonghyun responded, voice sounding like it was on the verge of breaking. “We want to make it stop hurting.”

 

“Please…” kibum whispered. “Please, please, please.”

 

it went on like that for a while, both of the two crying to the point of exhaustion. kibum eventually stopped pleading and crying long enough to drift off to sleep. 

 

jonghyun, albeit just as tired, couldn't sleep. it wasn't the normal insomnia killing him this time, though. jonghyun’s own heart was hurting as well as he thought about all that kibum had said to him.

 

he knew kibum hadn't said all that he was feeling, but it was a start; that was better than nothing at all. 

 

jonghyun sighed out loud once. it was mess, all of this, but he didn't blame kibum. he wanted to blame everything else. 

 

the universe, the world, fate itself.

 

for some odd reason, jonghyun placed himself on that list of blame worthy things as well. 

 

he sighed again and the door creaked open as jinki popped his head in.

 

“Are you okay?” jinki asked softly, walking to stand at the bedside. “I heard crying. I heard both of you crying.”

 

“Hm, I’m okay.” jonghyun hummed, bringing his unoccupied hand up to brush along jinki’s side. it was gesture that jonghyun had discovered comforted him a while back and now it was an everyday thing.

 

“And Kibum?” jinki asked, brushing his hand along jonghyun’s fingertips in return. 

 

“Hard to say. I think...he's okay for now. Overall, he told me that...he's hurting.” jonghyun responded.

 

“You mean physically?”

 

“No. In his heart.”

 

jinki let out a small sigh, looking at kibum’s sleeping form. 

 

“Jinki.” jonghyun whispered. “What do we do now?”

 

jinki looked away from kibum for a moment. he looked up slightly, as if he was watching thoughts pass through the air. he sighed softly, looking back to kibum.

 

“I’ll figure something out.” he said with a small smile, interlocking his fingers with jonghyun’s for a bit. “Don’t worry, okay? Leave it to me.” he said, squeezing the younger’s hand.

 

jonghyun nodded a bit and squeezed back. 

 

“Okay. I trust you.”

* * *

 

jinki had hit a metaphorical brick wall. 

 

as a leader, jinki knew that his role was that of an adhesive; keeping not only the group together, but the members themselves. he took care of the boys as best he could. it felt like a strange sense of faux parenthood, though the feeling of failure was as real as could be.

 

he knew kibum needed help. whether that meant putting their schedules on halt to aid him or sending kibum somewhere he could get better, he wasn’t sure. he supposed kibum would have the last say in what they did to help him. he didn’t know what kibum was dealing with or for how long he had been dealing with it. 

 

all he knew is that he felt such immense guilt for not noticing sooner. 

 

he sighed heavily, falling back onto the couch and rubbing his hands down his face.

 

“You alright?” 

 

jinki jumped a bit at the question. he must’ve been so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed minho was sitting beside him, the t.v. illuminating his face in the dark. minho looked at him expectantly, muting the television and turning almost fully towards the older man.

“I’m…” jinki sighed. “I’m fine. I’m just thinking about what we’ll do for Kibum.”

 

“Don’t stress about it so much, hyung. I know you. You like to blame yourself when things go wrong, but this isn’t your fault. It’s not anyone’s. These things happen.” minho said. 

 

“I just can’t shake that guilty feeling.” jinki responded.

 

“You’re a great leader, Jinki. You can’t protect us from everything. You’re not a superhero.” minho said with a small smile. “You didn’t fail Kibum. You didn’t fail the group. So, please, don’t feel like you failed yourself.”

 

jinki was taken slightly aback, but overall, grateful for minho’s kind words. it never failed to surprise jinki how kind and loving minho was behind his playfully boyish and competitive personality that overpowered most of him. 

 

“Thank you...For saying that, I mean.” jinki said, getting a small laugh in response.

 

“No need to thank me, hyung. Just telling you things that are true.” 

 

jinki nodded, giving him a small smile of his own in response. “Well, thank you for reminding me, then.” 

 

“Anytime.” minho said before getting up from the couch, handing the t.v. remote to jinki. “I’m going to sleep. Don’t spend all night beating yourself up, okay?” 

 

in all honestly, he would probably do the exact opposite of that, but minho didn’t need to know that. so, jinki just nodded.

  
what minho didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry you had to read that


	9. [ official hiatus ]

um

so

yea this isn't a chapter

it's just,,,, ,i felt bad abt not updating in so long so i thought i would let y'all know that i'm putting this fic on An Official Hiatus

in fact, idek if i can

finish this ????

i've hit a **huge** road block with this story n i'm not,,, entirely sure  _why_

i've been

dealing with a lot lately n maybe that's why ?

i really am Sorry abt this. i wanna finish this/write more but it,,, it just isn't Happening.

if you've stuck with me or continue to stick with me i just wanna thank you So Much

i love u all vry much n it means so much to me that u enjoy this fic

hopefully i'll get my groove back soon

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 


	10. jonghyun

words escape me. i can’t explain all at once but i feel as though i should say something.  
i’m on twitter @strawbrrysmooch and it’s easier to express it all there.  
jonghyun, baby, you worked hard. you did well. i love you, i love you, i love you. more than you will ever know. i could never thank you enough.   
watch me from the moon and stars. rest and relax now, baby. the pain is gone  
\- hallie


End file.
